I’m welcoming a milestone birthday this week and it’s been a source of dread for me over the past few months.
It’s pretty unlike me to not be jumping at the opportunity to celebrate or get together with my loved ones. I’ve never really needed an excuse to do that before-- and have probably spent most of my birthdays doing something memorable with the people that I love.
For the past few months, I have been dragging my feet when it came time to talk about celebrating.
Luckily, I have some stubborn people around me who wouldn’t let my milestone birthday pass without some acknowledgement. I’m extremely grateful to the people in my life who shared their stories of their milestone birthdays and why it’s important to acknowledge them.
But I still couldn’t shake this overwhelming feeling of dread.
I take a lot of pride in knowing myself well, but it’s been hard to pinpoint what’s been coming up for me. And now that I’m a day away from my birthday, it’s become something I can’t really avoid anymore.
I think birthdays can be a really difficult time, in general. There can be a lot of guilt associated with having celebrations for our big moments.
I know this has been something I have struggled with my whole life. Even as early as my 5th birthday, there are pictures of me crying for most of it because I didn’t really prefer the attention in that way.
I’ve had a lot of years to work on fully taking space and undoing some of the fears around being fully seen (thanks to my own therapist, shout out Dr. P)
But I think new years and birthdays alike can be filled with so much toxic positivity, which is defined by an optimistic state across all situations. At the end of each year we are bombarded with media that implies that the new year signifies a fresh start and that everything will change once the clock strikes midnight on January 1st.
Birthdays bring about a similar effect of pressures to celebrate n a memorable way or creating a list of arbitrary goals to help ease the passage of time, but it doesn’t encompass the somewhat uncomfortable feeling around getting older. “Birthday blues” is a term used to describe the very real phenomenon of sadness that occurs around past negative experiences, fears surrounding getting old or not having accomplished the goals one wants to achieve.
Like many other people, the past few years of my life have been incredibly difficult, and I have been hit with a constant stream of bad news and loss. Coming out the other side, can be so terrifying. I think with celebrations, always comes the fear of joy. One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Brene Brown is a brilliant summary of this. “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. We think ‘I am not going to soften into this moment because I am scared it’s going to be taken away.’ When we cannot tolerate joy, we start dress rehearsing tragedy.”
For me, welcoming my milestone birthday and this next phase of my life comes with so much fear. What if the next year of my life doesn’t give me much to celebrate? What if this is my last milestone for a while? What if the next year continues to be difficult? What if it doesn’t unfold exactly how I had hoped? Will I be able to deal with the disappointment?
I know for myself, when fear robs me of my ability to find joy, it robs me of my own true essence. I took an in depth assessment this year and it revealed my greatest strength to be, bravery. The best parts of my life, the greatest memories, and the people that I surround myself with, have always made me feel brave. And I am my best self when I am fearless in my own pursuits. So it is a tough realization to know that the difficult moments over the past few years have maybe made me lose touch with the very things that make me, me.
Unfortunately, like many people, I don’t have a crystal ball that can answer the questions to some of my looming fears, so I’m learning to lean into vulnerability for now. According to Dr. Brene Brown, that means focusing on gratitude, not fear, which will ultimately build resilience.
How will I incorporate more gratitude?
Acknowledging my fear as vulnerability.
It’s hard to celebrate my birthday because I am vulnerable to loss. Loss of my hopes for the future, loss of happy moments, loss of the people around me.
Being more thankful, even for the difficult times because life will always throw curveballs.
I am so grateful for my community who are always headstrong about celebrating me.
Making gratitude a practice.
Life is not always celebrating a milestone or planning an extravagant excursion. Life is a lot of little moments and I am learning to appreciate those a lot more. It means not letting my brain prepare myself for losses, hurt, or sadness, but letting me appreciate what I currently have in every moment that I can.
One of my favorite rituals I have made for when I graduate a client, is that I share with them my wishes for their future. This ritual was born out of the difficulty I sometimes have when saying goodbye to my clients. It’s always emotional and I spend a lot of time coming up with my list for them.
As I head into my milestone celebrations, I think it is fitting to use my own ritual with myself. My very own wish is to not let my seasons of loss, continue to take. I am fully allowing myself to feel hopeful about the future and being where I am meant to be, probably for the very first time in my life. In acknowledging my own humanness, error of my ways, and taking ownership of the hurt my fears may have caused along the way—to myself and those around me--I hope it helps others to do the same.
May we always find the courage to let joy in.
